life

smile, pray and move on.

moving to : new mercy,

day one

a normal effect of a jetlag: awake in the middle of the night.

wondering and asking lots of questions,

some i already know answers to

others without any.

what's becoming a pattern everytime i come home: my body fails.

it's either tensed up because it's foreign here or finally crashing because i am home.. i don't know.

there are a lot of things i wish i knew right now.. or i wish i can just wipe things off my mind.

돌아감?

딱 3일남았다.
이제 드디어 집이라고 하는곳으로 가는구나. 엄밀히 따지자면 지난 6년동안 한달이상 집에 있어본 적이 없었으니.. "집"이라고 하지만 그곳에서의 삶이란 아무래도 생소하고 낯선것도 사실이다. 익숙하면서도 낯선, 아는것 같으면서도 모르는, 편안한것 같으면서도 불편한.. 아마 생활 모든면에서 한동안은 그런걸 느끼면서 살겠지. 어디가 나의 집이고, 어디에서 가장 편한지.. 솔직히 이젠 모든곳이 거기서 거기인셈이다. 미국이나 한국이나 중국이나. 정말 천국으로 갈때까지 이곳에서는 이방인으로 살아가는거구나..

새로운 삶? 새로운 시작? 두렵지않다는 거짓말보다 두려워하지 말아야지 하는 다짐이 더 필요한 이때. 지금 내나이 24살, 지난 2년동안 원했던것보다 훨씬 더 많은것을 배우고 얻었지만, 앞으로 또 2년동안 그 어떤것을 주님께서 보여주시고 어떤길로 인도하실지 기대된다. 여태까지 한번도 그다지 심각하게 생각해본적 없는 배우자 문제도 언젠가부터 마음 한구석에 걱정으로 남으려는 이때, 균형있는 시각과 사고를 찾아야 한다는것도 안다. 그냥 스쳐가는 인연들도, 잠시 머물다간 기억들도, 앞으로 만날 그 한사람과의 미래도.. 그 모든것이 주님 계획하시고 뜻하심 안에 있기에, 감사하고,믿고, 때로는 기다리면서. 나는 이선화로써의 인생을 살아가면 되는거다.

앞으로 몇주동안, 혹은 몇달동안 백수생활을 할지는 모르겠지만..
나태해지지말자. 목적없이 돌아가는것이 아니니.. 하신 말씀, 주신 약속. 잊지말자.

longing

last night i dreamt that.. i was back in bj, with our friends, worshiping & praising the Lord in Chinese, listening to friends share their passionate hearts for Christ in Chinese..

today i was looking at pictures of friends that moved into our apartments, their meals in familiar places in bj and as i kept on looking.. i couldn't stop crying. i miss it so much already, and im not even back in the states yet. i had left a part of my heart in the city.. and this must be a heartache--longing for the part of me that's left there.

but i know He is sovereign. i know He is good. i know You are good, i know You are leading me, i know You plans for me are perfect and Your timing is perfect. Your love for me runs over the mountains and the sea..

i shall trust and wait upon You. take this fragile heart and make it more like Yours

psalm 37_ the virtue of trusting, waiting, and 義。

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-- it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.

The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous. The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever. In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty. But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish-- vanish like smoke. The wicked borrow and do not repay, bu the righteous give generously; those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off.

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.

Turn from evil and do good;

then you will dwell in the land forever.

For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.

The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.

The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.

The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives; or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

Wait for the LORD

and keep his way.

He will exalt you to inherit the land;

when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil, but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found. Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace. But all the sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;

he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.