life

smile, pray and move on.

moving to : new mercy,

day one

a normal effect of a jetlag: awake in the middle of the night.

wondering and asking lots of questions,

some i already know answers to

others without any.

what's becoming a pattern everytime i come home: my body fails.

it's either tensed up because it's foreign here or finally crashing because i am home.. i don't know.

there are a lot of things i wish i knew right now.. or i wish i can just wipe things off my mind.

돌아감?

딱 3일남았다.
이제 드디어 집이라고 하는곳으로 가는구나. 엄밀히 따지자면 지난 6년동안 한달이상 집에 있어본 적이 없었으니.. "집"이라고 하지만 그곳에서의 삶이란 아무래도 생소하고 낯선것도 사실이다. 익숙하면서도 낯선, 아는것 같으면서도 모르는, 편안한것 같으면서도 불편한.. 아마 생활 모든면에서 한동안은 그런걸 느끼면서 살겠지. 어디가 나의 집이고, 어디에서 가장 편한지.. 솔직히 이젠 모든곳이 거기서 거기인셈이다. 미국이나 한국이나 중국이나. 정말 천국으로 갈때까지 이곳에서는 이방인으로 살아가는거구나..

새로운 삶? 새로운 시작? 두렵지않다는 거짓말보다 두려워하지 말아야지 하는 다짐이 더 필요한 이때. 지금 내나이 24살, 지난 2년동안 원했던것보다 훨씬 더 많은것을 배우고 얻었지만, 앞으로 또 2년동안 그 어떤것을 주님께서 보여주시고 어떤길로 인도하실지 기대된다. 여태까지 한번도 그다지 심각하게 생각해본적 없는 배우자 문제도 언젠가부터 마음 한구석에 걱정으로 남으려는 이때, 균형있는 시각과 사고를 찾아야 한다는것도 안다. 그냥 스쳐가는 인연들도, 잠시 머물다간 기억들도, 앞으로 만날 그 한사람과의 미래도.. 그 모든것이 주님 계획하시고 뜻하심 안에 있기에, 감사하고,믿고, 때로는 기다리면서. 나는 이선화로써의 인생을 살아가면 되는거다.

앞으로 몇주동안, 혹은 몇달동안 백수생활을 할지는 모르겠지만..
나태해지지말자. 목적없이 돌아가는것이 아니니.. 하신 말씀, 주신 약속. 잊지말자.

longing

last night i dreamt that.. i was back in bj, with our friends, worshiping & praising the Lord in Chinese, listening to friends share their passionate hearts for Christ in Chinese..

today i was looking at pictures of friends that moved into our apartments, their meals in familiar places in bj and as i kept on looking.. i couldn't stop crying. i miss it so much already, and im not even back in the states yet. i had left a part of my heart in the city.. and this must be a heartache--longing for the part of me that's left there.

but i know He is sovereign. i know He is good. i know You are good, i know You are leading me, i know You plans for me are perfect and Your timing is perfect. Your love for me runs over the mountains and the sea..

i shall trust and wait upon You. take this fragile heart and make it more like Yours

psalm 37_ the virtue of trusting, waiting, and 義。

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-- it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.

The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous. The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever. In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty. But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish-- vanish like smoke. The wicked borrow and do not repay, bu the righteous give generously; those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off.

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.

Turn from evil and do good;

then you will dwell in the land forever.

For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.

The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.

The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.

The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives; or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

Wait for the LORD

and keep his way.

He will exalt you to inherit the land;

when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil, but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found. Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace. But all the sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;

he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

totally

sinking in Your grace.. in Your limitless, endless love.

You are my good shepherd

My sheep listen to my voice;

I know them and they follow me.

yes Lord.. you won't even allow the slightest doubt in my heart-- it is Your voice I'm following and trusting in. from the very beginning, it's been You.. coming to EA- staying another year- things with.. - calling to come back - japan -.. and what's been happening even up to now... You are, have been in complete control of all things and will continue to be. You've spoken so much; timing, taking a risk, trust.. on repeat over and over again. Trusting without wavering. Waiting for Your timing.

Wait for the Lord. Be strong & take heart.. and wait for the Lord.

timing.

Your timing.

그렇다고 하시면 그런거고

아니다 하시면 아닌거다

기다리라고 하시면

기다리는거구.

마음의 평안.. 오직 주안에서 찾으리

i will not waver, i will not waver, i will not waver.

my heart

is so overwhelmed.

day by day--God You've been reminding me, that I'm not crazy.. for falling in love with this place, with your vision for this place, and with simply your powerful presence at work here. I'm only one of many that you've called. one of many that you've touched. It is real, You are moving-- You've been moving.. back towards Jerusalem. You are doing it, lives are changing, light is being brought into darkness, visions are being fulfilled. You are pouring out Your spirit & torches of revival are being lit.. sons & daughters are prophesying, old men dreaming dreams, young men are seeing visions. Lord, there is no other place I'd rather be.. I want to be here, in the midst of everything You are doing. I want to offer all that I can so You can have Your way..

but as for now, in Your perfect plans.. You've called me back home.. continue to minister to this heart, Jesus. Help me to surrender every part of this re-entry process & the fears regarding uncertainty.. I trust in Your promises. I will worship You at the place You called me to be. 부르신곳에서..

" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15

today

speak to me Jesus

I need Your direction..

my heart, Your home

Come and make my heart Your home

Come and be everything I am and all I know

Search me through and through

'Till my heart becomes a home for You

A home for You, Lord..

what it means to be

like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither..

give me jesus..

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,

Just give me Jesus.

a Samaritan woman

The Pharisees heard that Jesus was gaining and baptizing more disciples than John, although in fact it was not Jesus who baptized, but his disciples. When the Lord learned of this, he left Judea and went back once more to Galilee.

Now he had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?"(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."

He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."

Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."

Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, "What do you want?" or "Why are you talking with her?"

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" They came out of the town and made their way toward him.

Meanwhile his disciples urged him, "Rabbi, eat something."

But he said to them, "I have food to eat that you know nothing about."

Then his disciples said to each other, "Could someone have brought him food?"

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying 'One sows and another reaps' is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor."

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, "He told me everything I ever did." So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers.

They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world."

and of course, You never cease to speak

- what it means to be Your disciple

- what it means to remain, abide in You..

and next part would be knowing Your will

"The disciple who abides in Jesus is the will of God"

despite my heart that has been unresponsive, You don't stop, there is not even a pause in Your truth being spoken into me. What an absurd grace.

Help me to learn my lesson well.. I guess I am to be tried and tested even through this- in remaining and abiding in You. Show me what it looks like, teach me how it's done. For that is my heart's desire to abide in You, to be with You right now, right here-- when lies are thundering and where emotions are raging. Let them fade with Your one glance into my eyes. I'm here..to set my eyes upon You.

just one thing.

in the land that is plentiful or in the desert place,

through the good and the bad,

my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name

hmmm..

Can't remember the last time it's been like that.

It's hard to understand.. even myself. Did I just make an irrevocable mistake and am I just.. messed up..? It's been hard to fully admit that everything is and has been under His control and that He has allowed it, all the circumstances and each step that led up to now.. I really thought I tried my best to listen to You and obey as You led, yet I'm still a lacking and failing human..

Be my center and my everything in midst of this storm.

I desperately need You. What I cannot let go of on my own, I bring them to You. Take them all, they are Yours. Be rightfully throned in my life.. have it Your way. You have always been faithful and in Your faithfulness I shall trust.

Hosanna, Hosanna

Jesus saves.. save me, Lord.

am so tired today.

I am fasting today,

which actually gives me time to sit down and write in this blog for once-- amazing how much time you save merely by not e a t i n g. The real reason why I'm fasting today, although I really-sincerely do not enjoy having to persevere through hunger (and variety of emotions that come with it), is because of our past & coming up M trip.

You may or maynot have heard (meaning I may or maynot have done an acceptable job of keeping you updated in what's going on here) that I had went on a short M trip with our students in the beginning of this month. And to simply put; it was awesome. In other words, it was(MSN encarta would say); overwhelming, grand, breathtaking, splendid, tremendous, remarkable, amazing, awe-inspiring, fearsome, astounding and of course, humbling. yep, that's what it was. It only lasted four days, but those four days surpassed the effect of every adjective I just stated.

We went on the trip with 14 of our students and some of them have been believers for less than a year. And truthfully speaking, I have never in my life encountered a group as genuine as them. I have been so used to being a part of this world, a part of those with too many walls and masks that cover own heart. Perhaps it is because of what they've(we've) received thus far in life; hurts, pain, lies and "reality" as the world presents to us. It is to a point that even after letting God into life, many of the walls and masks are not let go. But them, these students, their world, this nation of communism, have already peeled off so many of those layers for them by having been such a strong voice and artificial "truth" in their lives. Even the existence and idea of God is robbed from their mind, so when they hear the Good News (many times, repeatedly)-- they either get it or don't. But once God is let in their life, He is in. I have seen the walls and masks crumble down to make way for Him to bear love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control in their life. Our regional manager used to always say, "in thousands of years of history in EA, after communism has wiped off every possible idols in their hearts, the TIME for the good news this nation is NOW." I thought I always believed in it, but after having experienced something like this.. I truly believe that.

This time during M trip, I was seriously awe-struck-- in seeing and realizing how beautiful the body and each member of Christ can be, are meant to be. Simply by being who He designed and created us to be; loving and caring for another without deceit, having child-like faith and utter dependency on His spirit. Increasingly being aware of our own sins as well as His Holiness and finding our souls overwhelmingly rejoicing in thankfulness for such salvation.

One of the students, who came to Christ last summer, said something that reflected the simple but profound beauty of the power of the Gospel. "I came because I wanted to share the truth with someone just as someone else did to me." Everyday, every one of them had a powerful, incredible story of God being in their midst. Sharings of how amazingly present he was in leading them to those who needed the Gospel and how they opened up (or closely did) their hearts to receive Christ as their Savior.

During our times together, they were constantly giving genuine, awe-struck praises. For what He has done, not only during the trip, but in their own lives.. how He came and became the truth, the way, and the life for them in a place of chaos, how He has given them a hope & purpose of life, how He turned their mourning into dancing and gave them a life and joy that is eternal. Praise that come from hearts that just don't understand how this could be, but nonetheless are thankful. That's what it was. We saw five people come to Christ through our students during our stay there-- a place that reportedly has no such previous case.. not even of one person.

It was incredible. This is incredible. Witnessing Him at work--Changing lives that are changing other lives. And it's quite another thing to hear and experience all this with people that speak different language and have different culture from my own. He indeed is God of us all.

Anyways, so fasting. It's been almost a week since we returned from the trip. And there have been some strong spiritual attacks that immediately followed as we anticipated. One of the students, also a young believer-- her mother found out that she is "overly into this religion." It's been a severe spiritual and emotional battle for her, especially with her deathly worried mother even bringing a professor of religions into their house to confront the validity of her faith. We were all worried and praying for her, but these are the things I have heard her say and pray since then. "I realize that this is not my battle to begin with. This is God's battle and He will deliver me through this." " You protect those who trust in You, You are my rock and my redeemer."
O_O This is a girl who was doubting His existence just last semester! Praise Him who gives us in His grace trust and thankfulness despite what our circumstances may tell us..

Oh, and She has also signed up to go to our upcoming first-ever-overseas M trip..along with 6 others! So.. I'm praying for post M trip protection over our students and continual growth in love for Christ in their hearts. I'm also praying for our upcoming M trip-- which is a powerful story(even already as of now) in itself.. but that's probably for another blog entry :)

Praise You, Jesus.

一生爱你 一生敬拜你
一生爱你 一生荣耀你
一生奉献 一生不回头
一生爱你跟随你。

오늘일어난 일..노코멘트.

아니지 솔직히말하자면 할말이 너무많다.

대담한기도를 시작할때부터, 영적공격이 있을꺼라는걸 알고있었으면서도.. 아주 보기좋게 한방,두방먹고 이젠 KO당하기 바로직전이다. 더 속상한건 이런 상황에서도 툭툭털고 일어나고싶지 않다, 기운내서, 기횔봐서 나도 한방 날려야 하는데.. 그냥 아프다고, 힘들다고 계속 칭얼거리면서,울면서쓰러져만 있고싶은. 그냥, 한쪽 귀속에서 들리는 모든 속삭임들을 믿고싶은--'어짜피 니가 할수없는거였어, 그럼 그렇지, 어디까지 가나했어'.. 무작정이렇게 있으면.. 이게임에서 지는건, 당연한건데도 말야. 참 오랜만에 다시 느껴보는 이런..내상태. 모든게 깜깜하고 막막한 지금.정말이지 기적이 필요할 때다.

my prayer

열방을 향하신 주의 마음 나로 알게하시고

거룩한 주 이름 제자되어 선포하게 하소서

보내소서

권능의 손에 날 맡겨드리니

만지시고 기름부으사

나를 보내소서, 주 위해

Break me for the nations

Let my heart become Your heart for all the world

Send me to the harvest

As an ambassador to speak Your Holy Name

Send me

Use me

As a vessel yielded in the Master's hand

And please touch me

With Your anointing

For a world that's broken and in need

days like this...

내가천국에벌써가있었으면하는그런날,

If you want me to

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley

If You want me to

this week..

God, what is going on?!

on my mind as of late

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Jehovah Jireh

"Stay in this land for a while.."

i wish i wasn't able to understand, but i do.

its just crystal clear.

Be still, and know that I am God . . . —Psalm 46:10

Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere . . ." ( Revelation 3:10 ).

Continue to persevere spiritually.

___________________- from my utmost for his highest, Oswald Chambers

그가 그리하셨듯이

나또한
더 사랑하자

to You;

As the deer panteth for the waters,
so my soul longeth after Thee.
You alone are my heart's desire
and I long to worship Thee.

You alone are my Strength and Shield,
To You alone may my spirit yield.

You alone are my heart's desire
and I long to worship Thee.

You're my friend and You are my
brother even thoguht You are a King.
I love You more than any other,
so much more than anything.

walk in the truth

walk in love

24

I want to deepen my understanding of the Word. The Word as is. I want the Truth, want to stand strong & be set free in the Truth. Not the diluted,haphazardly understood,it-just-must-be-so kind of knowledge. I don't want to proclaim fabricated peace, proclaim anything for that matter if I can't back it up with scripture. There is a limit as to how much I can share from my own experiences, how eloquent my words or charismatic my personality can be. yeah those things are good and they do help..But ultimately the power of salvation comes from the Gospel. People need the Truth. I need the Truth. I need the Truth to be TRUE in my daily life. The power of salvation is exactly the same power that forgives and sanctifies me, over and over again. Let it overflow, let the truth of your words channel through me.. Start with me, Jesus.

1 Peter 2

exactly what i need:

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:
"See, I lay a stone in Zion,a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame."
Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
"The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone," and,
"A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall."
They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

"He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth."
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

내가 미국에 돌아오면 또 이럴줄 알았다..이런생각들, 이런환경들-또다시 맞이할꺼라고 알고있었으면서도 더 쉬워지지는 않는다. 이세상아무도 나를 이해하지못하더라도, 나의 믿음은..건재할것인가, 주님한분만 바라보면서 정말 살수있을까,